October Diaries
2023-10-01
Grace recognized me at the weekend fair and was astonished to see me still there. I explained I had accidentally missed my flight.
Sitting in the courtyard eating together, she mentioned running into J the day before. “Looked like he was totally in love, had a smile on his lips the whole time, never seen him smile in the two months we’ve known each other.”
I simply glanced at her and questioned, “Really?”
I don’t know why all the girls in the temple paid special attention to J, probably because he was the first European boy to come here in the summer.
Thinking back, the first thing I said to J to break the ice was to ask him, “Are you a Scorpio?” He was surprised and asked me how I knew. I said because Scorpios never smile at strangers. Then he laughed and asked me if there were any other characteristics of a Scorpio. “Always hide yourself, hide all your emotions and feelings.”
This boy, who never smiled, chatted with me animatedly on the top floor of his apartment about his fascinating tour around Europe last year. In the fading light of day, he asked if I had canceled my ticket or not gone to the airport. I said I didn’t go.
At that moment, I suddenly remembered my favorite movie Before Sunset, and at the end, Celine said to Jesse with her guitar in her hand, “If you don’t leave, you’re going to miss your flight”. I thought he didn’t go.
在周末集市遇到grace，她很惊讶我怎么还留在这里。我说不小心误机了。
坐在院子里一起吃饭，她谈起前天碰见j。“看上去整个人像是恋爱了，嘴角一直挂着笑容，认识两个月从没见他笑过。”
我只是看着她，问，是吗？
不知为何庙里的女孩子们都特别关注j，大概因为他是夏天第一个来这儿的欧洲男孩儿。
回想起和j破冰的第一句话就是问他，你是天蝎座吗？他特别惊讶，问我怎么知道。我说因为天蝎座从来不对陌生人微笑。然后他笑着问我，天蝎还有其他特征吗。“永远隐藏你自己，隐藏你所有的情绪和情感。”
这个永远不笑的男孩儿，在公寓顶楼跟我兴致盎然聊起去年环游欧洲的趣事。在逐渐暗下来的天光里问我，那天你是把机票取消了，还是没去机场？我说，没有去。
那一刻忽然想起我很喜欢的Before Sunset。最后Celine抱着吉他对Jesse说，要是再不走，你就该误机了。我猜他最后没有走。
2023-10-02
The morning I left Kathmandu, I was nearly knocked out by a long-lost appetite, and hunger pervaded my entire.
After a big illness in Tibet, I barely ate for the entire month of September, and my appetite was reduced to fruits and desserts, with one main meal with an entree and another with fruit and a few chocolates.
“You are so thin.”
“I keep losing weight every day.”
The first dinner back in China was a portion of two full days in Kathmandu. It’s like I’m gradually getting back on track, beginning with my appetite.
And I already miss the summer in Nepal.
离开加德满都的早晨，差点儿被久违的食欲击昏，感觉身体里铺天盖地都是饿。
在西藏大病一场后，整个九月我几乎没有吃饭，对食物的欲望只剩下水果和甜品，每天顶多只吃一顿带主食的正餐，另外一顿是水果加几颗巧克力。
“You are so thin.”
“I keep losing weight everyday.”
回到国内的第一顿晚饭，是在加都整两天的分量。仿佛要从食欲开始，慢慢回到原来的轨道。
而我已经此想念这个尼泊尔的夏天。
2023-10-08
Saying goodbye is a very long process.
Before forgetting begins, those memories are first measured in minutes, chopped up into seconds, and then divided into frames, each of which is then slowed down and edited into the present scene.
So light, temperature, smell, color, sound, emotion—all the unexpected details—pour into this space. Standing still, I am drenched by the rainstorm formed by these details.
“One goes through yoga torture before becoming yoga bless. How long is it? Five months of classes until the tenth month, it became BLESS.”
“Nails are clean cut because when I was a child my grandmother always read me a very scary picture book in which children with long nails would have their fingers cut off can you imagine how such a gory story could be told to children.”
“I love reading too. I always think that at my age probably no one has read more books than me.”
“In ashram, if a person is sick and doesn’t want to go to the doctor, they bury their feet in the soil like this.”
“How did you know I like honey? Honey is the greatest gift I can think of.”
“But what I want to know is the rest of the parts that you categorize as secrets.”
告别是一个很漫长的过程。
在开始遗忘前，那些记忆首先以分钟为度量单位，切碎成一秒一秒，又分割成一帧一帧，每个画面再放慢速度，剪辑到现下的场景里。
于是光线、温度、气味、颜色、声音、情绪，所有意想不到的细节涌进这个空间。立在原地，被这些细节形成的暴雨浇透。
——
“在变成yoga bless前，先会经历yoga torture。有多久呢，五个月的课程直到第十个月才变成bless。”
“指甲剪得很干净是因为小时候外婆总给我念一本很可怕的绘本里面的小孩只要留着长指甲就会被切掉手指你能想象吗怎么会给儿童讲这么血腥的故事。”
“我也很喜欢阅读啊。我老觉得在我这个年纪可能没人比我看过更多的书了。”
“在ashram如果一个人生病了又不想去看医生，就会像这样把双脚埋进土壤里。”
“你怎么知道我喜欢蜂蜜？蜂蜜是我能想到最棒的礼物。”
“但我想知道的是剩下那些被你归为秘密的部分。”
2023-10-12
I had a fever for two days during the Kailash sojourn. Knife cut throat, migraine, diarrhea, loss of voice, and cough all took turns on me.
When I walked to the lodging area at Kailash, Anna, who was in charge of counting the list, inquired if I was okay; almost everyone was here except for me, and he was concerned about me. I told him that I was all right, although I was a little slow.
I stood there, and as I turned around to see Kailash, I told Anna, “It’s so beautiful, I want to cry”. As soon as I said that, tears started falling. We gazed at each other through our sunglasses, and he said, “Are you really crying?” I raised my hand to wipe away my tears and nodded.
After returning to Kathmandu, I locked myself in my room for three days. Every day, I awoke to yoga, meditation, and tears. I was not sure if part of me remained on the mountain or part of the mountain left in my heart, but whenever I closed my eyes during those three days, I saw the snow-capped peaks standing silently in front of me.
The first time I looked at it like that, I had a moment to reflect on all of the significant events in my life. It was like a near-death experience. I got a feeling that I had probably undergone a significant transformation within myself.
Like a snake shedding its skin the hard way, I had to spend a lot of time in silence and solitude in the month after my descent, and I still haven’t resumed normal interaction with people.
“You should find a way to get out.”
I know. I just walk slowly.
转山前我发烧两天。刀割嗓，偏头痛，腹泻，失声，咳嗽，轮番来了一遍。
走到止热寺那边的住宿点，负责统计名单的Anna关切地问我还好吧，几乎所有人都到齐了，就差我还没来，很担心我。回答他，没事，就是走得慢了些。
于是就站在那儿，一回头看见Kailash。我对Anna说，太美了，好想哭啊。才说完，眼泪也跟着落下来。我们彼此隔着墨镜，他问，你真哭了吗？我抬手擦眼泪，点头。
回到加都后我把自己锁在房间三天。每天起床就是瑜伽，冥想，大哭。不知是一部分的我留在了山上，还是山的一部分留在了我心里，那三天只要闭上眼，就看见白雪皑皑的山峰无声矗立在面前。
我第一次那样看着它的时候，有一瞬间走马灯般回顾了过去人生的所有重要片段。像是濒死体验。模模糊糊意识到，我的内在大概发生了某种巨大转变。
像是蛇在艰难蜕皮般，下山后的这一个月，只能花很多时间静默独处，至今仍未恢复与人的正常交流。
“你应该想办法走出来。”
我知道。只是走得慢了些。
2023-10-13
I went out to walk the dog and realized that it had been raining since the evening. Thinking about the ring road that I passed every day in Kathmandu, the road was under repair throughout the rainy season and was muddy; just one trip in the rain and I was a mess, my sandals soaked in the dirty water on the road until I couldn’t tell the color, and my pant legs were splattered with muddy spots.
The dog was not willing to take a step in the rain, so I picked it up and continued walking. So on and so forth, each day I recalled a new detail. I wanted to walk in my memories for a little while longer, but at the same time, I was afraid that forgetting was too long.
出门遛狗，才意识到从傍晚开始一直在下雨。想起在加都每天来回经过的ring rd.，整个雨季都在修路，泥泞万分，只要在雨中走一趟，浑身狼狈不堪，凉鞋在路上脏水里浸泡到分辨不清颜色，裤腿溅满泥点。
狗子在雨里不愿意迈步，我抱起它继续往前走。如此这般，每天都记起不同的细节。我一边想在回忆里再多走一会，一边又害怕遗忘太长了。
2023-10-18
花了又一周时间，好像终于能把加都两个月的记忆渐渐化为自己的一部分，而不用像打地鼠那样惊慌失措地把一段段突然冒出来的回忆击打回去。终于能和那些让人心动、心醉、心碎的时刻和平共处。希望某天我能最终消化它们，不必每天在水里给你写一封不敢寄出的信，一边写一边消失。
2023-10-27
1.等外卖期间我们坐在你的房间里聊天。我说起2012年去过德国。“我在少女时期fancy一个德国音乐人。后来2012年底我去了德国，因为那一年大家都说是世界末日。我想在末日来临前去他生活的地方看一眼。”
2.在加德满都大白塔最好的景观位和朋友吃晚餐。聊起去年四月的上海。我说，后来我只想尽快离开这座城市，没办法再住这儿了。对面的朋友问为什么。我说，曾经以为她可能是这里难得自由而美好的地方，最后发现都是幻想。
3.十月也快结束了。月初看到巴以冲突的新闻，我好像一下子回到去年春天。整个人变得非常丧，掉进沼泽的丧，越挣扎越无力。又一次意识到世界或许在以一种我无法预料的速度飞快螺旋下沉。不知道最后究竟会去到哪条时间线。而在这种末日紧迫感里，我唯一冒出来的念头是，I want to see you again before it’s too late.
2023-10-30
一年多没登录的账号里留着去年夏天的两句摘抄。
“I’m madly, passionately, crazy, overwhelmingly in love with you.”
“Every time his phone buzzed he checked the screen, hoping that it was her.”